I've Been Deader by Adam Sifre

Author:Adam Sifre [Sifre, Adam]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9781478180784
Amazon: 1478180781
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Published: 2012-07-03T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 22

Dead Divas

Sunshine screamed louder than a girl scout at a Justin Bieber concert, and frantically kicked out at Liza. The kick missed the head but connected with her wig, sending it flying across the room. It landed on one of the Chinese lanterns, dangling like some kind of bizarre black spider.

Undead Liza, even more hideous than the original, hissed and leaned in for a bite. He kicked out again and connected with a satisfying crunch. Liza loosened her grip and with another girlish scream he pulled free. Eyes on the zombie he scrambled backwards, all thoughts of finding drugs forgotten. King Solomon's lost cocaine mine might be behind the bar, but it could stay lost and forgotten as far as Sunshine was concerned. If there were worse things than undead Liza Minnelli transvestites in this world, he couldn't think of any.

Still crab-walking backwards, he fell against the dead bikers' table. Glasses rattled, flies buzzed, and through the grace of good fortune the bikers stayed dead. He bounced off the table like a pinball and headed for the exit.

"No, no, no. No fair!"

Seventies Cher swayed between Sunshine and the front door, all rhinestones, beads, long hair and heels. Her lips were smeared with bright red lipstick - that's lipstick, I'm sure of it - and her dead eyes hid behind eyelashes so long that if she ever blinked, Sunshine was sure he'd feel a breeze. The six-foot-two pop icon moaned something that was definitely not "Sonny" and began walking toward him, her vest jingling and jangling.

I GOT you, Babe.

Without thinking, Sunshine turned and made his way to the back room, praying for a rear exit. He had no trouble avoiding Liza, who kept turning round and round on hands and knees, like a dog getting ready for a lie down. There was a doorway behind the bar, sans door. Whatever lay beyond was swallowed in darkness.

Exit or backroom?

A noise on his left. He turned and saw another door. Even in the dim light he could make out the 'Men's' sign.

Are you friggin' kidding me?

A burly Barbara Streisand stumbled out of the bathroom. Another six footer with dead eyes and a mean mouth. At first he thought she was supposed to be Ann Coulter, but even with the cheap brown wig askew, the zombie transvestite looked too feminine. It was the ski ramp nose, Dr. Lowenstein glasses and five o'clock shadow that sealed the deal.

People who eat people are the luckiest people of all.

He stood frozen in horror as the dead divas made their way to their latest fan.

The icing on the cupcake followed Babs out of the bathroom. Dressed in a blue and white polka dot dress and wearing pigtails, she clutched a small wicker basket against her chest. A black ball of fur peaked out from the wicker lip. I'll miss you most of all. Judy looked like she'd spent the night sicking up two quarts of creamed corn. But her size twelve ruby slippers still sparkled with promise.

Sunshine remembered the gun.

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